spells to end the world

[pantomimes]

my favorite excerpts from buffy the vampire slayer: the official grimoire: a magickal history of sunnydale, aka a compilation of diary entries and spells gathered and written down by the one and only willow rosenberg. endless amounts of btvs spoilers ahead!



🏷️ page 4

While I never intended these pages to be seen by any eyes other than my own, I've decided that I need to share the information with my friends, just in case I've missed something that will help us against The First, or—and I know no one wants to say it, but it needs to be said—in case I can't control the dark magick that I must call upon.

I love you all, no matter what.

🏷️ page 5

Bide the Wiccan law ye must
In perfect love, in perfect trust.
Eight words the Wiccan rede fulfill:
An ye harm none, do as ye will
And ever mind the rule of three:
What ye send out, comes back to thee.
Follow this with mind and heart,
And merry ye meet, merry ye part.

🏷️ pages 18 & 19

(...) But the weirdest thing? My mom went. Somehow this pulled Sheila "I would but I have a paper up for review next month" Rosenberg out of her study. The first time I came home from school crying because Cordelia was mean to me, she handed over a tissue, then asked if I could give her a rough estimate of what percentage of our student body had ever experienced adolescent bullying. She's never really been Miss Let Me Show You My Parental Concern.

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sheila rosenberg when i catch you... this woman is the bane of my existence!!! and she's only been in ONE episode of the show!!! which is exactly the problem. sheila and whoever willow's dad is are simply never around. willow grew up lonely and neglected and all she had were books and fuckass xander which explains why she is the way she is and why she does the things she does. i really wish they explored this better in the show, but hey—at least the tillow shippers do it beautifully in their fics!

🏷️ page 23

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PLEASE. one of my absolutely favorite things about this grimoire (outside from the, you know, willow rosenberg character study overdose) are the annotations from the other scoobies, but most especifically anya's. she's so funny and i love her dynamic with willow so i'm always on cloud nine when i come across one of her silly thoughts.

🏷️ page 26

The other day I read that there were witches in the Middle Ages who used to bottle up their spit to give to other witches as one of the deepest symbols of friendship and trust... Yes, I am a hit at parties.
- D

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DAWNIE!!! i love dawn summers and her obsession with witches, which definitely means nothing [gestures vaguely at the metaphorical lesbian flag that appears behind her everytime she starts saying stuff like this]

🏷️ page 29

We've learned that Faith has teamed up with Mayor Wilkins and formed a big mean weirdly smiley evil team. I never trusted her! Well, okay, maybe I did a little at the beginning when I was seduced by alligator wrestling stories, but after that, not a fan.

Speaking of things that make me nervous... Yesterday the last of my college acceptance letters arrived. I got into every school that I applied to, including Harvard, Ofxford and MIT. But when I started to think about what my life would be like if I said yes to any of those places, I couldn't picture it. A part of me didn't want to picture it. How could I just move away and take Introduction to Philosophy or Literature of the Cretaceous Period like none of this ever happened? Like I didn't know that there was a Hellmouth in California just waiting to burst open? That I'd left Buffy and Xander and Giles alone on the front lines?

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obsessed with this part. i feel like people overlook the fact that willow gave up on the incredible future she could have to fight alongside her friends. she threw it all away for some girl she met at fifteen and flipped her entire world upside down with monster and vampires and demons and whatnot!! i also have to be a little bit of a bitch here and point out that the fact that she didn't mention oz, her BOYFRIEND, in the list of people she didn't want to leave behind made me giggle a little. NO OZ MENTION. WHICH COULD MEAN ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING FOR THE UPCOMING SEASONS

🏷️ page 48

Blessed freakin' be—there is another witch in my Wicca group. Her name is Tara, and she started coming a few weeks ago. She never said much, so I didn't realize that she had actual power until things got a little life-and-death the other night.

I thought we were goners. There I was, cowering on the floor of the laundry room with a sprained ankle, desperately trying to move a vending machine when I haven't been able to move anything heavier than a pencil despite working at if for months. Suddenly, I felt her fingers thread through my own, followed by a rush of warmth that I can only describe as light traveling through her palm and into mine.

Tara's coming over today after classes to work on some exercises for channeling and sharing energy. My books say that the more two witch buddies practice together, the easier it will be to borrow each other's power and to draw power from the things around me.

For the first time since Oz left, it feels like there's something to look forward to.

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GODDDDDDDMSNDMFMF... we are officially in tara territory. when i was reading the grimoire i was so excited to get here, not only because s4e10 is one of my favorite episodes in the entire show, but because tara!!! the sweetheart baby angel of the universe is here!! and so it begins the most beautiful yet devastating love story of all time.

i also thought it was so cool how willow explained what happened when her and tara held hands in the laundry room. i might be a little slow but i didn't realize that tara's power literally went into willow—i assumed it was more of a combination of both of their powers? but to be honest i like this version of it way more due to the undeniable Intimacy Of It All, of course.

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you gave her something alright. "sweet wicca goddess lady" lord just kill me now why don't you.

🏷️ page 54

(...) I want to talk to her anyway—even though she acted like it was no big deal (she always acts like things are no big deal), I should have invited her to The Bronze the other night. I need to introduce her to the gang. It's just... hard to explain. When I'm hanging out with her, I feel so calm and at peace, and yet kind of nervous at the same time. She's helped me so much—with magick, with getting over Oz leaving—that I kind of want to protect her from all the crazy that comes with being friends with the Slayer.

🏷️ page 57

🏷️ page 57

I finally did it. I introduced Tara to Buffy. I wasn't planning on it—my intention had been to start with baby steps and take Tara to The Bronze on a low—key night. You know, just a normal friendly outing. An outing for friends who sometimes hold hands... I think it was a date. It was a date. It was a date with a girl, and I don't know how I feel about that so I'm just gonna whoosh right on past it at very high speeds.

(...) Tara suggested that we try an astral projection spell to see what kind of thing me be possessing or affecting Buffy.

(...) When I opened my eyes, Tara was leaning over me, her hair brushing my cheeks, and for a second I forgot where we were, what we were doing.

(...) Oh god. I think Tara's my girlfriend.

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does anyone mind if i just fucking DIE... see here's the thing about this book that makes me want to eat concrete in a positive way. i adore the scene where they do this spell in the show, it's one of my all-time favorite tillow scenes, but here we get to see what willow was thinking through the whole thing. plus, there was no "tara was leaning over me" moment in the scene either, nor willow going "oh fuck i think i'm dating tara now" which, obviously, adds soooooo much depth (and importance) to it.

🏷️ page 64

(...) I am also not the same Willow. It's easy to split back into her skin when we're talking or when he touches me, but the longer I wear, the more I feel it start to pinch.

(...) It didn't work. I have no inner cool. Because deep inside, I know the truth—no matter what happens, or what it means for my family and friends, I want to be with Tara. I want to be with Tara.

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and i dedicate this excerpt to all the annoying "bla bla bla willow should've been bi bla bla bla she's not a lesbian" bitches. which part of "the more i feel it start to pinch" is not clear to you? she is a LESBIAN. repeat after me WILLOW ROSENBERG IS A LESBIAN and she has said it herself a billion times in the show. leave her ALONE

🏷️ page 72

Buffy's still being a little hard on Dawn (...) so I've been trying to be extra nice to her these days. (...) I know it bugs Buffy sometimes when I defend Dawn, but I can't help it. I have all this involuntary empathy; she reminds me of myself sometimes, with her weird facts and eagerness to be part of the gang.

I asked Dawn if she wanted to try to do a spell with me and Tara, but she got all weird and said that she didn't think her mom was all that cool with witchcraft.

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which could mean nothing pt. 3

🏷️ page 92

Glory hurt Tara. We had a fight about magick, Tara left for the carnival alone, and then Glory hurt her.

Buffy told me not to do anything crazy, and I'm not. It's simple—when someone hurts the one you love, and you have the power to hurt them back, you hurt them back. I'm tired of doing what Buffy says, tired of pretending that dark magick doesn't exist, tired of holding in my power.

Because I know the truth.

Life isn't fair. And sometimes the only way to fight that which is frightening is by being frightening yourself.

🏷️ page 96

(...) Tara is still weak and helpless and so not Tara it makes me want to cry. It's my fault. It's all my fault. If I hadn't flown off the handle at Tara when she said I was frightening, I would have been with her. I could have protected her.

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god i miss the rv of fuckassery and torment. and i miss season 5. and i miss #foundfamily scoobies. i miss it so much.

🏷️ page 100

Everything is still terrible. Tara's been acting extra agitated lately—I could barely stand to see her like this before without wanting to crumple up into a guilty little ball, and it's worse now that I can barely keep her calm, even with the medication. There was be a way to fix this; I don't care what rules I have to bend.

I love Dawn. I don't want to lose Dawn, and I'm going to put my life on the line and do everything I can to make sure we don't.

💭

we love willow being unable to normal about the people she loves the most in this house. i also love love love the inside look into what she was thinking during the whole tara being mindless ordeal. it is clear in the show that she is in the fucking trenches seeing her girlfriend like that, sure, but the "i don't care what rules i have to bend" line takes it to a whole entire level—this is willow unafraid to go to the darkest depths of magic for tara, which basically becomes her whole thing in season six. as awful and damning as it gets later, it all came from nothing but love :(

🏷️ page 103

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whole page CRAZY AS HELL so i decided to put the entire thing here.

🏷️ page 107

Child of words, hear thy makers.
Child of words, we entreat.
With our actions we did make thee,
To our voices wilt though bend.

With our potions, thou took motive,
With our motions, came to pass.
We rescind no past devotions,
Give thee substance, give thee mass.

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ughhhh she's so CUTE... [heart eyes emoji]

🏷️ page 114

But now, no matter what Giles says about me being a "rank, arrogant amateur" I know that there aren't many people on Earth who can do what I can do. I'm strong, and I'm powerful, and I'm the only thing that got the group through those five months when Buffy was gone. I fixed the Buffybot time and time again, and yes, maybe I miscalculated whether Buffy needed saving, but my intentions were good and I got the job done. I raised the actual dead. I kept us from falling apart.

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... :( willow's magic addiction storyline is so sad. it just pains me so much to see her like this, and it pains me even more to know where it comes from: love!! she's paying the price for loving too much!! and also for her hunger for power after spending most of her life feeling like (and being perceived by basically everyone around her as, might i add) an useless loser, of course. deep down she's still that same lonely girl that got relentlessly picked on and belittled and neglected. by this point in the show, we've seen tara's struggle with feeling useless already, and now willow's is here too—in a much more destructible way.

🏷️ page 117

Tara moved out. (...) I don't know how to sleep when she's not here. I've never lived in this house without her; on the nights when Buffy is out and Dawn is at a friend's, I don't know what to do with myself.

🏷️ page 118

Tara was in the kitchen when we got home. My heart fluttered, and my first impulse was to kiss her hello. But then Amy started talking about what we had done, and I saw Tara's face harden with judgement. I felt ashamed, and then I felt angry for being ashamed—she left me. And besides, magick is nothing to be ashmed of. It's beautiful and power and makes me feel useful.

(...) Amy took me to meet a warlock named Rack (...) I'm not sure how long I was there, or how I got home. All I know is that for a brief, glittering patch of time, I didn't feel empty because Tara had left me, or scared that she would never speak to me again, or nervous that what everyone was accusing me of might be true. All I felt was euphoria, a connectedness to magick in its purest, most elemental form.

The only hard part is coming back down. Coming back to the real world.

🏷️ page 119

🏷️ page 120

🏷️ page 122

Yesterday was my first day without magick (...) When I was about to fall asleep, I thought, "Tara would be proud of me". It's the first time I've thought that in a while.

I ran into Tara today outside the Magic Box (...) I looked at her face, and suddenly I was babbling, telling her how I hadn't used magick in over a month—which I realized, somewhat startled, is the truth—and trying to subtly let her know how much I miss her without actually letting her know how much I miss her.

... I miss her.

💭

🏷️ page 123

Xander left Anya at the altar yesterday (...) we're all just sitting here (...) wondering if we should break Anya's door even though she says she wants to be alone. I can't stop thinking of her standing on the stool while Tara and I buttoned up her wedding dress and asking Xander to protect her whole heart because it's all she has.

While this is all a really sad time, a part of me has been dancing on air—but not literally!—ever since I saw Tara at the wedding. For the first time since she left, I feel like there might still be a chance for us.

💭

Tara came back. There was coffee, and it was good coffee, and I thought, okay, maybe in a few months we can talk about what I can do to help her trust me again. And then suddenly, there she was standing in the doorway of my bedroom and asking me to kiss her and now she's lying beside me and I could cry. I think I am crying a little bit, because I don't deserve her. I don't deserve her forgiveness and her beauty and her grace. I don't deserve her whole heart, but she's giving it back to me anyway.

She says that she sent me a letter. She says that she went out to drop it in a mailbox and then, instead of turning around and going back to her apartment that was full of everything but Willow, she just kept walking. We don't know how it's going to work—she has a lease and we need to go slow when it comes to bringing magick back into our room and relationship—but she's coming back. And I promise that I'll never do anything to make her want to leave again.

💭

i'm sure nothing awful beyond human comprehension happens next.

🏷️ page 124

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this is the most evil thing to ever happen in television story. fuck joss whedon and fuck warren and fuck the incel trio and fuck osiris and fuck the entire world i'm so serious... i don't even know what to say, this whole thing still makes me sick to my stomach. maybe i'll make a post about once i finish season 7.

🏷️ page 134

When Giles first brought me to England, I thought it was to kill me, or to stash me in some deep mystical dungeon where my arms would be strapped to my chest and the world would be kept safe from Evil Willow.

Tara wrote me a letter. Before she died, she told me that she had, but I had forgotten in the... in the everything. It showed up at Buffy's a few days after I was gone, and they forwarded it to Giles. He held onto it for a few weeks, but finally decided that I could handle reading it. He meant well, but I don't know that Tara's death will ever be something that I'll be able to "handle". I don't know it will ever feel fair that I'm here and she's not. I haven't been able to read it yet. Maybe one day I will. For now, it's safely tucked into this journal.

🏷️ page 138

andddd here's where i stop because the next pages are about season 7 stuff i haven't watched yet. i'll definitely come back to the book (and this post) once i finish the show with some more excerpts!